23 February 2018

Sudan in 2017: Game over

Sudanese protesting for change (Photo: Hamid Murtada)

This is a futuristic look at Sudan after 5 years from now if things don’t change quickly.

In 2017, the population of sudan will decrease by 30% due to bad medical facilities and lack of doctors because most of them were exported with the Nabag, and most of what’s left of them don’t have cars, can’t afford to use public transportation and are sitting home ill not being able to afford medical attention themselves.

The most common mode of transportation in Khartoum will be Donkey vehicles or Karro’s due to a ridiculous increase in fuel prices. By then, the price of a mature male donkey will be equivalent to 2 new 2017 Toyota Corollas.

Along with the electricity meter box installed in each house, the infamous Jamra Khabeesa, there will be a water consumption meter as well – Jamra Akhbas. People will use candles at night and recycle their sewage water in the morning. There won’t be an air meter but there will be an air consumption tax in the form of a Damgha that is added to the citizen’s annual tax expenses according to weight, height, fitness and job description. Office employees will be lucky with this one.

The rate of the U.S Dollar to the Sudanese Pound will be $1  to SDG 230 and all the salaries will be fixed from 2012. Everything will be too expensive and no one would afford to buy anything, and people will start exchanging goods again – “I’ll give you 2 plates and a spoon and you give me a bag of rice and two tomatos. No, ok one tomato. Fine.”

New regulations will be introduced by the Sudanese Customs, everything will be fixed to a Value Added Tax of 120% of its original value. Cars, furniture, pens, pencils, your personal stuff like the shirt you are wearing, your mobile phone and even your wife and kids but only in the case that they are the models of the year or the previous year. If you’ve been married for 2 years or your kid is older than one, well, tough.

Traffic police will have more authority and can stop pedestrians and ask for their Walking License. Fines will include “stopped in a non-parking area”, “walking against the traffic”, “wearing slippers”, “eye glasses are broken” and “your color is too dark”. They will also have the right to charge you for sitting for too long with the Tea Lady and for using the street lamp while walking at night.

Considering some improvements or advantages, the Sudanese nation will become very social again. The increasing rates of unemployment are directly proportional to the rates of family visits, home gatherings and Tea Lady time. There will be nothing to do anyways. Crime rate will be almost zero, there will be nothing worth the time and the effort to steal in anyone’s house. Plus, most of family members will never be out.

Local newspapers’ headlines will read “Citizen M. A. El-Amin, Social Security number 7922613011 was submitted to jail and held dead inside due to evasion of payment of Death Fee, Damghat Fatees, after she died.”

I reckon by the end of 2017 Sudan will close down, the name will be removed and a National Geographic team will say this land, rich of Natural sources and agricultural land, was unused, abused by its people and was previously called The Sudan. I think Sudan has one life left. Either we take the controller and start playing better, or it’s Game Over.

7 Comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

  • Mimz
    7 July 2012 at 4:11 pm - Reply

    Yassir, this was a breath of fresh air. It made me laugh. Jamra Akhbas just killed me. LOVE IT.. thank you, Sudan could use a good laugh right about now!

    • Yasir Elkhider
      7 July 2012 at 10:25 pm - Reply

      sharro albaleyati ma yodhik.. haha :p

  • Wael
    7 July 2012 at 6:46 pm - Reply

    “eye glasses are broken” and “your color is too dark”, HILARIOUS

    • Yasir Elkhider
      7 July 2012 at 10:26 pm - Reply

      thanx 🙂

  • deso
    12 July 2012 at 3:11 pm - Reply

    You don’t have to wait till 2017 for the custom tax, it’s already here!
    Great post, wish it was longer and more detailed..

  • Emmanuel Monychol
    16 July 2012 at 3:26 pm - Reply

    Dear Yasir, I have just met you!! Well, you are the most satirical Sudanese writer i have ever come across!! Will follow you (smiles) and my you live longer to write, to amuse and to predict the future.

  • Amgad Nurein
    23 June 2013 at 5:07 pm - Reply

    Yasir, thanks for making my day! It is sad but it seems that this is where we are heading.
    What I found particularly funny was Damghat Fatees.
    Great post and keep them coming!

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