Do You Say Enough ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank You’? — Incorporating Good Manners into Your Life

Only recently did I realise the importance of apologising, being polite and having good manners. I realised why my mother always emphasised the significance of good manners and being respectful. We were always taught it’s important to say, ‘Please’, ‘Sorry’, ‘Thank You’ and other words of politeness no matter what the language or whom it is we speak to. The concept of politeness is universal but its implementation and purpose differs from one culture to the other.

Sorry

For as long as I can remember, it always was extremely difficult for me to say sorry whenever me and my siblings fought. I would try to appear ‘strong’ and refuse to apologise. To me, being strong meant not apologising — growing up, I would learn that my definition of ‘strong’ or strength was totally wrong. I would then be sent to my room to ‘think over my actions’. However, I didn’t do much thinking to be honest. I would sit in my room and count the many ways I would not give in to apologising. It never concerned me if I was wrong or right. All that mattered was that I shouldn’t say sorry. Days would pass and my siblings wouldn’t speak to me. Being ‘strong’ no longer seemed to matter as I missed their presence, our daily conversations, and how they would be the first I’d run to, whenever anything significant occurred. It took me days, sometimes weeks, to pick up courage and say, ‘I am sorry!’

As years passed, I matured and became more exposed to the world, and realised some people simply don’t know how to say ‘sorry’. It might be their ego, or a concept they were not brought up to believe in, or maybe they just genuinely struggled to apologise. I feel we must change the way we see an apology. Instead of believing it will make us weak and small, we should see it as an expression of strength, peace and forgiveness. A way of acknowledging that we are not perfect and that everyone makes mistakes. We are human and even the best of us makes mistakes. As the Hadeeth says:

‘كل ابن ادم خطاء، وخير الخطائين التوابو’

‘All children of Adam do wrong, but the best of them, are the repenters’

Repenters are those who feel remorse and ask for forgiveness. Islam emphasises repentance and forgiveness in many of its teachings.

‘Say, O my servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.’ [Qur’an: Chapter 39, Verse 53]

Another verse says:

‘Thus it is due to mercy from Allah that you deal with them gently, and had you been rough, hard-hearted, they would certainly have dispersed from around you; pardon them therefore and ask pardon for them, and take counsel, with them in the affair: so when you have decided, then place your trust in Allah; surely Allah loves those who trust.’(3: Verse 159)

To forgive is one thing and to apologise is another. I’ve realise that one does look up to the person who apologises for their mistakes. I’ve had fall-outs with friends and when they find it in them to apologise, it really changes the way I look at them. I value and respect them much more than I used to.

The person who realises his mistakes and apologises is the bigger person simply because your mistakes don’t define you. I learnt how to apologise from a very close friend of mine. She never hesitated to work things out between us, settle our disputes and most importantly, apologise for her mistakes. That’s how I knew she was a keeper.

Thank Yous

‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ — I remember as a kid wherever we went and whatever we did, we had to include at least one of these words. It meant politeness. Nothing more, nothing less.

However, in Sudan, I realised these words of politeness could come across as something else. When a woman in Sudan uses these words when addressing a man, it can be mistaken as being flirtatious.

For example, once a man offered me his seat on a public transport. I took the seat, smiled and said, ‘Thank you’, after which, he began to stare and smile at me making me very uncomfortable. However, I still believe I did the right thing by saying ‘thank you’. He was wrong to interpret it as anything else. This is a common occurrence and as a result, many women in Sudan develop a tough skin and refrain from polite gestures to avoid unwanted attention.

Regardless of the situation, ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ still hold importance and should be said even if someone is just doing his or her job. In Sudan’s day to day life, you rarely hear or see polite gestures, whether you’re walking down the street, getting on the bus, buying something from a shop, going to the salon, eating at a restaurant or café, or at work or university.

Everything in between

Politeness and good manners can make or break a person. These include saying please, thank you and sorry. It could also be holding the door for someone, helping someone with carrying groceries, or simply saying hello or smiling at someone. If you do not display the right manners and treat others well, you will lose affection and respect from people.

You may have been blessed with everything everyone could ever want, but do not forget that it is a gift from God and can be taken away just as it was given. Humility or remaining humble is extremely important. Islamic teachings emphasise the importance of humility and politeness as that is how you win the favour of people and the pleasure of Allah.

Politeness is a form of charity — an act of showing courtesy, respect or regard for others. Even a smile or saying ‘Assalamu Alaykom’ is considered a good deed.

Saria Osman El-Amin is a 22-year-old recent graduate of the Faculty of Medicine, University of Khartoum (Class of 2018). Currently based in Khartoum, Saria is a part-time English and maths teacher. She values time alone a lot, and without it, she feels exhausted and unable to function. She enjoys reading books, travelling, going out with friends, having a laugh and of course, eating good food.