The Consequence of COVID-19 Pandemic I Didn’t See Coming

COVID-19 made life a mess.

It was the early work from home days. Restaurants were still accepting patrons. A Sudanese friend called me, frantic, begging to meet in person. I broke social distancing protocol because it was a highly unusual request. I was worried. 

As soon as we sat down, I knew something was wrong. 

‘I can feel it creeping up on me. I don’t know when it’s going to hit but it’s coming. Soon. I don’t know what I’m going to do, Nedda,’ they croaked. Their voice a raspy remnant of its former self. 

I reached out a hand and hesitated. My fingers hovered for a second before I grabbed their hand tight. I could always wash my hand later.

The strain was evident on their face. Hair was matted. Dark circles took up permanent residence under their sunken eyes. Their skin was ashen. They clearly hadn’t slept or eaten well in days. But their eyes worried me most. They were glossy and unfocused. It was a look I was all too familiar with: I had worn it too many times to count.

COVID-19 was taking its toll on my friend. Their mental health was deteriorating, rapidly. But, what triggered this sharp decline? 

They felt the normal worries surrounding a pandemic outbreak. Catching the virus, not having enough food or money to weather the shutdown, losing their job due to the inevitable recession: all these anxieties buzzed at the back of their head. 

But, one pushed them all away. One raged through their mind, drowning out every thought, every need, every base desire: the sheer terror of potentially going back home. 

And being quarantined with their parents.

They had grown up in an emotionally abusive home. They were constantly berated, ignored, and judged for their life choices. Their father constantly asserted power over them, and worked to make them feel small. Their mother was manipulative. There was constant gaslighting. This provided both parents with an easier target. My friend worked hard to get into a university in another state. They worked even harder to get work in a major city. They didn’t want to see their parents unless absolutely necessary. 

Whether it was intentional or not doesn’t matter. This was the reality my friend grew up in.

If the city shut down, they’re parents would demand they come back. They wouldn’t be able to refuse if their job didn’t pay them, at least partially, for the duration of the shutdown. They couldn’t afford to stay in the city with no income, and couldn’t bear to burden friends in similar positions. 

The mere thought of the slightest chance of spending every waking hour with their parents was enough to pull my friend into the deepest pits of anxiety and darkest depths of depression. 

Intrigued, I reached out to a few other Sudanese friends. I wanted to see if anxiety about being home with parents was a trend. 

It was. 

A couple quotes from our conversations were:

A college student, quarantining alone said, ‘I believe that Sudanese parents can be short-sighted when it comes to personal time, and space. It might be selfish but I would like to stay where I am, free of distraction, to better pursue my academic career in the best way I know how. Being alone and having my own place can be difficult at times but I know for a fact a day of loneliness is better than a month of hating yourself and family. I’m staying away for my mental health.’

A young professional, quarantining with family, said, ‘Bad idea! Do not do it! I repeat, do not do it! Don’t fall for it! I lived alone for five years, I can’t do this living at home thing. My mom and I have just been getting into daily arguments. It’s brought everything that’s been bottled up by my brothers out on me.’

 Let’s delve into why this trend exists.

To put it in the gentlest terms, not many among us – Millennials and Gen Z diaspora – see eye to eye with our parents – Gen X and Baby Boomer immigrants. 

For one, a tremendous amount has happened in the chunk of time between when they were our age and now. Technological and scientific advances, rapid societal changes, the Sudanese Revolution, etc. Life happens fast.

Another major difference is many of us were raised outside of Sudan. Our parents weren’t.

We appreciate the sacrifice our parents made. They left their homes, families and everything they knew to raise us where we would have better opportunities. They faced and overcame challenges we will never know. I cannot stress how in awe I am of what they did for us.

That does not change the fact that our upbringing was different. 

Many of us grew up facing different forms of abuse at home, intentional or not. Emotional, verbal, or physical (including sexual) abuse: it was a part of life. It could be as simple, yet painful, as a snide remark here and there to full-on beatings. It was expected. It was discipline. It was a cornerstone in the Sudanese household. The community turned a blind eye. It still does.

Many faced intense sexism, misogyny, and gender-policing.How many of us have heard: ‘You can’t sit like that’, ‘You can’t wear that’, or ‘Go help in the kitchen/ garage’? 

The list goes on.

Childhood and adolescent maltreatment/ abuse has been scientifically linked to mental health Illness and disorders in adulthood. It’s no wonder that many of us suffer from anxiety, depression, etc.

Parents and family start to become associated with the negative feelings, like anger and resentment. 

Work and/or college become the light at the end of the tunnel. 

They’re a way to leave home and branch out on our own – a chance to truly discover ourselves, beyond the shackles of our parents’ worldview. To develop our own relationships with culture, religion, etc., things that were force-fed to us when younger.

For many, college and work was an escape. A release from the strain of dealing, arguing, fighting with parents constantly. 

It became freedom. Freedom from abuse whether mental or physical, freedom from restriction, freedom from sexism, freedom from gender-policing and freedom from judgment.

The thought of losing that freedom, even temporarily, terrified my friend. It spiked their anxiety so high they were petrified. It activated a depression so deep they looked visibly sunken. 

I can imagine that anxiety and depression was spiked a thousand-fold across the world.

Mental health is often overlooked and stigmatised. I’ve heard the suggestion ‘Pray it away’ more than once when mental health is brought up. That’s if mental health is even acknowledged as legitimate, which it rarely is. 

For many of us, mental health has become a priority because of its profound effects on all aspects of life. Mental health affects work, cognition, physical health, and so much more. To be in an environment not only full of triggers, but also full of people who blatantly ignore the importance of mental health can be draining.  

To be potentially forced into that environment can spike anxiety and depression. It’s only natural to want to stay away.

That’s not to say this is everyone’s experience. Many have wonderful relationships with their parents.

But for the ones that don’t,going/ staying home due to the outbreak of COVID-19 has a hidden side effect – the anxiety of having to spend time with someone you spent most of your life preparing to social distance from. 

*The people in this article consented to have their words/ story shared so long as there were no identifying details.

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Currently living in New York City, Nedda Elbedawi is a third-culture kid just trying make it in this world. She studied at Weill Cornell Medical College in Qatar, but transferred to Cornell University in Ithaca after a semester of medical school. Then moved on to study communication (concentrations in Social Influence and Media Studies) and minored in Inequality Studies. She loves reading, writing, and watching movies. She has a twisted and cynical sense of humour but loves a good (meaning very bad) dad joke.