RANDOM RANTS | When I become the president

Yasir Elkhider highlights his plans of running for president in Sudan’s 2015 Presidential Elections. He wants your vote, and he wants it now. Literally. 

Wolfgang Rattay/Reuters

According to the constitution of Sudan there “hopefully” should be elections in early 2015. I decided that I should gather my supporters starting now, assemble a party, start printing some fake votes and run for president. Why not? If the current president can do it, I can do it. It definitely doesn’t need a smart or a hard-working person to do it.

I’ll start my journey to the presidential palace in public transportation, I’ll stand in the front of the bus and address the nation. I shall begin all speeches with “I have a Dream.” I have a dream that all Sudanese people will be one team. That every citizen will have easy access to the “Khartoum Subway” system. That every Sudanese city and town will appear as a spot of light in the dark when you look at it from Google Earth. That no citizen will be jobless. I have a dream that Taj Elsir in Atbara can order a Markoub from Haroon in Al Jinena through a Sudanese online Market and receive it within 3 days by a local express company.

My logo for the presidential campaign will be a chicken, a big fried liberty chicken. In 2015 there will be huge signs in every neighborhood, leaflets distributed in all public areas, buses, corner shops, and even tea ladies. It will say “Make Sudan a better place. Vote for the chicken.” There will be advertisements showing South and North Sudanese good-looking college boys with nice fake smiles, sitting together in one table and sharing a chicken for dinner. Another ad will say, “If you vote for the chicken, you’ll get a free fried one, your Jamra (electricity meter at home or in the office) will be removed permanently from your house, and on top of that 10 SDG of calling credit will be transferred to your phone.

If I become the president corruption will be for the people instead of the government. I will be the Sudanese version of Robin Hood, steeling from the rich and giving to the poor. All corrupt money will be public property. What do you want? More salary? Here’s the account number of that minister, take what you wish. You need a job? Take his relatives place. You want to get married? Take his house in Malaysia. It will become legal to hang a wire and steal electricity from any electricity pole. People will have so much electricity that they will start installing split-unit air conditioners in toilets and outdoors in their gardens.

There will be no more organized theft and robbery. No tax, more tax, Zakat, garbage, Damgha (random fees on transactions in governmental institutions), etc. Everyone will have health, car, house, wife, kids and even cigarette (Bringi) insurance, if he or she is a smoker. Everyone can drive his car with a cracked mirror and dark shades while wearing nothing on his feet.

Finally I will assure everyone and remind them that just to go with the flow and to keep up with the current trend of politics in the name of religion, the fried chicken is Halal.